Not my Best Side
Paulo Uccello, “Saint George and the Dragon”
I
Not my best side, I’m afraid.
The artist didn’t give me a chance to
Pose properly, and as you can see,
Poor chap, he had this obsession with
Triangles, so he left off two of my
Feet. I didn’t comment at the time
(What, after all, are two feet
To a monster?) but afterwards
I was sorry for the bad publicity.
Why, I said to myself, should my conqueror
Be so ostentatiously beardless, and ride
A horse with a deformed neck and square hoofs?
Why should my victim be so
Unattractive as to be inedible,
And why should she have me literally
On a string? I don’t mind dying
Ritually, since I always rise again,
But I should have liked a little more blood
To show they were taking me seriously.
II
It’s hard for a girl to be sure if
She wants to be rescued. I mean, I quite
Took to the dragon. It’s nice to be
Liked, if you know what I mean. He was
So nicely physical, with his claws
And lovely green skin, and that sexy tail,
And the way he looked at me,
He made me feel he was all ready to
Eat me. And any girl enjoys that.
So when this boy turned up, wearing machinery,
On a really dangerous horse, to be honest
I didn’t much fancy him. I mean,
What was he like underneath the hardware?
He might have acne, blackheads or even
Bad breath for all I could tell, but the dragon–
Well, you could see all his equipment
At a glance. Still, what could I do?
The dragon got himself beaten by the boy,
And a girl’s got to think of her future.
III
I have diplomas in Dragon
Management and Virgin Reclamation.
My horse is the latest model, with
Automatic transmission and built-in
Obsolescence. My spear is custom-built,
And my prototype armour
Still on the secret list. You can’t
Do better than me at the moment.
I’m qualified and equipped to the
Eyebrow. So why be difficult?
Don’t you want to be killed and/or rescued
In the most contemporary way? Don’t
You want to carry out the roles
That sociology and myth have designed for you?
Don’t you realize that, by being choosy,
You are endangering job prospects
In the spear- and horse-building industries?
What, in any case, does it matter what
You want? You’re in my way.
– U A Fanthorpe
Tagged: alternate versions, dark humor, mythology, U. A. Fanthorpe
certain maxims of archy
live so that you
can stick out your tongue
at the insurance
doctor
**
if you will drink
hair restorer follow
every dram with some
good standard
depilatory
as a chaser
**
many a man spanks his
children for
things his own
father should have
spanked out of him
**
i once heard the survivors
of a colony of ants
that had been partially
obliterated by a cow s foot
seriously debating
the intention of the gods
towards their civilization
**
if you get gloomy just
take an hour off and sit
and think how
much better this world
is than hell
of course it won t cheer
you up much if
you expect to go there
**
that stern and
rockbound coast felt
like an amateur
when it saw how grim
the puritans that
landed on it were
**
insects have
their own point
of view about
civilization a man
thinks he amounts
to a great deal
but to a
flea or a
mosquito a
human being is
merely something
good to eat
**
just as soon as the
uplifters get
a country reformed it
slips into a nose dive
**
if monkey glands
did restore your youth
what would you do
with it
question mark
just what you did before
interrogation point
**
every cloud
has its silver
lining but it is
sometimes a little
difficult to get it to
the mint
**
prohibition makes you
want to cry
into your beer and
denies you the beer
to cry into
**
procrastination is the
art of keeping
up with yesterday
**
don t cuss the climate
it probably doesn t like you
any better
than you like it
**
i do not see why men
should be so proud
insects have the more
ancient lineage
according to the scientists
insects were insects
when man was only
a burbling whatisit
**
lots of people can make
their own whisky but
can t drink it
**
i heard a
couple of fleas
talking the other
day says one come
to lunch with
me i can lead you
to a pedigreed
dog says the
other one
i do not care
what a dog s
pedigree may be
safety first
is my motto what
i want to know
is whether he
has got a
muzzle on
millionaires and
bums taste
about alike to me
**
boss the other day
i heard an
ant conversing
with a flea
small talk i said
disgustedly
and went away
from there
**
an optimist is a guy
that has never had
much experience
**
the servant problem
wouldn t hurt the u s a
if it could settle
its public
servant problem
**
there is always
something to be thankful
for you would not
think that a cockroach
had much ground
for optimism
but as the fishing season
opens up i grow
more and more
cheerful at the thought
that nobody ever got
the notion of using
cockroaches for bait
**
the bees got their
governmental system settled
millions of years ago
but the human race is still
groping
– archy (Don Marquis)
Tagged: animals, archy, Don Marquis, humorous poems, maxims, philosophy, social commentary